What do you do when you want to go but you can’t let go. .. ?
Since I’m going through a really tough period in my life I decide to document it here and share it with all them lost souls like mine because despite it all I believe anyone can heal if they are determined enough. I believe there is a way to make it and to build yourself through it all. And in all your pain and it all your sorrow you can find the core of your happiness. I can build it even so strong that no one can shake it or brake it. I know it’s really hard because we are just people and pretending and faking always has limits so be brave my little worrier, it will take time it will be hard but yo can make it and you will make it .
Battle day 1
Today is the lazy I feel dead day I haven’t been out of bed all day, my room is mess as my life so far.I’m hurting I’m crying, I’m missing my past and crying my eyes out. But I am limiting myself to one of those days only and tomorrow will be my new beginning. Today I feel like I lost it all and nothing is good enough and nothing is worth it. I am very sporty and happy but today box of chocolates and movies in bed plus my (not helping cold) . Not so brilliant sounding of a day but today’s it’s really important. Today I make the choice to fight it all not to wait for it to resolve it’s self and to suffer quietly while I wait…
So day 1 of my personal battle has begun !!!
I’m not in-love nor I’m feeling free of my emotions. I feel bound to thing I don’t own, I feel lost but I know exactly where I am. I am alone and I am surrounded by the people I love. It’s so hard lately like I have a dual identity and my other self is really uncomfortable with my normal me and there is something so wrong but it’s larking in my darkest corners like dust in the corners you can’t reach with anything, or like a distant painful memory you buried deep within. I can’t understand my own self how is anyone supposed to help me if I don’t even know what is so wrong with me.
Some days I just don’t know where I belong and what am I supposed to do or be. I feel like I’ll never find my place and I feel lost and unwanted. I am proud and vain but at the same time I feel like hurting my own self just to feel alive again. I can’t seem to find hope in anything lately and nothing is good enough and nothing is right and nothing is important. I haven’t lost it all yet but I’m on my way to do so ….
I’m so intoxicated,
I’m drunk on the fumes of your love,
I’m blind for all the reasons to run,
I’m deaf for all the words the people close to me speak,
I’m drunk on an non existing passion,
On a game of lust and possession,
I’m so damaged I will never be able to sober up. The pain I felt had crushed me completely, I had forgotten how to live.
I’m broken inside, I’m hurt to the deepest parts of my soul. My life has ended and hell had began.
And still I’m thirsty for more, more of the poison you spread in me, deep in the paths of my once pumping and rushing blood. Giving me pain greater than any drug to love and not to be loved in return.
The moment before sunrise,
The dark and light embrace,
The vision of the moment only few can bare to take,
The pureness of the selected time,
The burden of he flames and the desire of the matter to match with something known and understood,
The brief moment of surprise,
The time of lost and strength,
The moment before the dawn begins and the night ends
I wonder what is wrong ,
I’m here all I own is yours, my heart, my soul, my everything, everything I own and all I am and will be.
I wonder what is wrong,
I’m giving you my all, my dreams, my hope I am sacrificing all my hours, all my minutes, all my sleep.
I wonder what is wrong,
I want to comfort you, to love you, to protect you, to be only yours like I never been before, and all I get is empty lines and voiceless speech.
I wonder where I’m wrong,
Am I not loving you enough, or maybe just too much. Am I to you as who you are to me, do you dream of me.
I wonder where I’m wrong,
I give and give but get nothing it return, I hurt, I bleed and still I’m willing to go trough it millions of times and all for one reason the reason that I hope you will one day remember me…
And if I do survive from all the battles that I suffered to win the war then darling I will be so lost and so worn off that non of the above multiplied by two from you will bring me back to be with you.
It’s harder than you think to say goodbye to someone who has became a part of your life. Especially when you haven’t noticed it happening and so this particular farewell is harder than you ever imagined it could be. For all a parting is always sad a awkward one is even more sad but you do what you have to do just get on with things.Something you probably will understand that someone is not lost, they are just lonely and maybe be they are not the only one.
It’s all began with someone lost and someone found. There is a remarkable story indeed
Lost and Found by Oliver Jeffers