Good morning Saturday

Good morning  world !!

I woke up to 1° this morning .

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but I kept positive with a  strong coffee  (I do take my coffee to extreme… with a spoon in the cup or without)

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, a comedy show (you can’t go wrong with everyone loves Raymond ) and the good old  morning cycle to bring me back to life.

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I have a very important task today I need to map out my Christmas decorations so  I’m gonna spend  my  day gathering ideas for Christmas decorations (till 3pm as I’m working at the pub tonight) . And with all the ideas in my mind tomorrow I will be Christmas shopping and decorating “the hut” and ill take you with me  yayyy. I do love Christmas and no matter that I will be on my own this Christmas it will be as Christmasy as it could possibly  be. Yayyy
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For my baby ..

For my baby ..

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For my baby B..

It’s been a year the jacket is too small,
it’s been a year those shoes doesn’t fit her anymore.

Her golden curls are longer, her steps are bigger,
the hand that used to hold me can grip and write with ease without a fear,
her sentences are longer, she says the words correctly,
she’s braver and she’s stronger, she is no more tiny baby.

But all that I had longed for, had all remained the same,
the love she gives me by warping little hands around my neck,
the happy screaming noises, her laughter, the way she says my name,
the little faces that she makes when we explore the world around,
the way she keeps me smiling when my world goes down.

It’s been a year my baby is now bigger, soon she won’t be baby any more,
but in my heart I’ll keep her so even when she’s grown I can still cuddle her and kiss her… and back in time we both shall go,
to those moments when she was so very small and sat down with a book of photos her little days we’ll recall.

Smithereengs

Smithereens is all you left of me.

My heart was savaged, my soul was used, and all of this was done in my fail attempt to love something so wild, I was begging to be abused.

I wanted so desperately to  love someone who lost his heart so long ago, he had forgotten what it feels like to be love and to be love in return.

And when my love came when I was surrounded by you, It scared you, it hurt you cause it brought the memory of your lost heart and brought the fear that of her I used to remind you…..

You used to say “No, you don’t want to fall in-love !!! ” because only love can break you like nothing else and make you loose everything you will never want to, like a force that can only take and if you don’t give it what it wants you will be the one who will end up wanting to be recluse, never to be touched and you will end up always making an excuse.

And now I understand when all you left of me is smithereens …. nothing to give and I can’t expect nothing in return… I do yearn to be alone… without you nothing matters any more, never to love again I have sworn

Deal

Let’s make a deal

A deal to seal and keep right here tonight a deal just between you and me,

I’ll let you call me yours tonight, only for tonight you may own me,

I’ll be only yours but please do hold me tight,

Because this is like a dream I’m yours only yours but only now and here and only only for tonight.

I’ll tell you how much I love you and how that you own my heart I won’t be able to ever forget,

I’ll give you everything you want, I’ll cure all the scars she left behind,

I’ll heal your pain and make you feel like I’m the only one you need for forever, I’ll promise I will be only yours but just till the morning of tonight.

And what I want from you is for you to call me your one and only ,

To say you want me like there is no one else in the world this night,

I won’t ask for you to say you love me we both know this is such a lie it echoes it’s so empty,

You never learned how to love, it’s so easy for you to say it only as a word as you use it out of it’s purpose plenty of time.

Just make me  feel I have somewhere to belong under the stars tonight,

Than nothing matters in this moment lost in time, It’s only me and you and our deal to keep,

To keep it in the darkness of the night, to keep it all until the dawn arrives.

Because my dear our love was only a deal made to be kept for one night in the dark…

Hide and seek

Baby…. hey baby where are you,

where are you…. come out, come out wherever you are …….

Because I’m in this stage where this is no longer a game but something vital for the sake of my sanity and my for the thought that I can’t keep up with something feeling so fake

But something inside of me knows that from now on,since you are in hiding again things will  start to disappear and soon all the real once will be changed and all of this will remain just a little silly game…

But the thing is,

it does feel quite right to know I don’t need to put up a fight, that there is no tug-of-war.

You simply hid somewhere beyond the reach of my eyes and my hands,

it happened so quickly I completely lost your tracks in this hide and seek game.

And that seeking for you now is something I don’t want to do …. I lost my interest of finding all the small little things that lead to the path of your heart and by picking them up one by one to try finding my place in your mind, to win a bit of affection and a bit of love so that I feel that the feelings I have are mutual to reassure myself that the deceitful feeling that you are gone is a believe of my own.

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Now everything is good, nothing is right and nothing is real, everything is made up and it helps me settle down the the hollow feeling I seem to feel.

Now I can’t find you baby it will be okay, it doesn’t matter where you hid, I refuse to spend my life searching for you once again.

Now everything is pure, there is no fear of finding you with others, there is no more hope of trying to make you seem me as I was the only one you you felt no need to find another.

Now everything is easy, now everything will heal and all the scars and all the memories, and all the misery and all the tears will be part of the past never to happen again. Now the ripped bit in my heart can be mend by someone with super glue who truly hates  this hide and seek me game …

I wonder

I am so lost in my own feelings and emotions and no matter what I do I can’t seem to understand why is it so hard for me to let go, to let go of the thought of him ….of us. I had been hurt, I had been bruised, I had endless nights crying and still I will die to have a glimpse of him like he never did anything wrong. I’m so hurt on the inside and still I feel like I am the guilty one, the one who broke something and deserved such punishment as this ….

I haven’t seen him or heard him for the past 576 days and still he is the first and the last though on my mind every single day.I can’t seem to understand why, why do I still love him and want him when clearly he wasn’t the one and deep down I know I need to move on with my life for good.

I went through tons of counseling, depression pills, self-help books, friends to support me and even someone new to comfort me but still I fell like I am missing a huge part of me, like I had lost it and I know I can’t function without it …. 

Why tho I can’t let go what keep me so enticed and I can’t seem to get rid of it, only if I knew the answer and I could get over this, the truth is that it’s eating me alive and it’s ruining my life but so far I haven’t found the cure ….

Lets talk about Fridays

Ok lets start as we supposed to from the begging and eventually I’ ll get to the most interesting part of today. So today was a pretty normal day, had a lovely time with the bears, had a laugh and luckily escaped the rain two times by getting in the bus just before it started raining. Discovered that I can go without coffee till almost midday ( I was up since 5.30am) and that taking an extra bottle of water is always a good idea.

As the night started folding I came home after work to find myself in bed under the covers watching Netxlif eating raw noodles with messy hair and long socks on. It wasn’t perfect of a Friday night until I got a hate-mail from both my current guy and my ex …. so I decided to stay in bed all evening sink into my 8 pillows of comfort and carry on believing if ” The undateables ” can find a date so can I …

Love Dezy xxx