Lets talk about Fridays

Ok lets start as we supposed to from the begging and eventually I’ ll get to the most interesting part of today. So today was a pretty normal day, had a lovely time with the bears, had a laugh and luckily escaped the rain two times by getting in the bus just before it started raining. Discovered that I can go without coffee till almost midday ( I was up since 5.30am) and that taking an extra bottle of water is always a good idea.

As the night started folding I came home after work to find myself in bed under the covers watching Netxlif eating raw noodles with messy hair and long socks on. It wasn’t perfect of a Friday night until I got a hate-mail from both my current guy and my ex …. so I decided to stay in bed all evening sink into my 8 pillows of comfort and carry on believing if ” The undateables ” can find a date so can I …

Love Dezy xxx

It was never you

I can’t blame you for my love, the only one to blame will be myself my love.

For letting go of all my fears,

For setting fire to my heart ,

For foolishly believing in your tears and your promises made my night,

For numbing all the warning signs in my mind,

~ For letting you so close, for tricking my self you can be so loving and so kind, for making something in my mind that we were meant to be by some great design….

For dreaming all this was true and being blind too see how rotten with all was from the start…..

For getting up and trying “one more time” for thousand times ….

~To see, to find, to …feel your “love”- a fiction, a believe created from my self all the way back when I fool my self it was the great begging of our glorious story of love… but actually it was the greatest destruction of my whole self and mainly of my heart………

Trying

Trying to hold things together when they are not meant to be held,
Trying to control my emotions that cannot be controlled..
Trying to pick up the pieces for something falling apart..
Trying to lie to the time so i can get back to the start..
Trying to erase the marks left so deep on my skin..
Trying to remember the old so i can start over from where we used to begin..
Trying to make you feel the love and emotion, hoping you’ll see the same passion that once drove us forward..
Trying to keep myself aware of still been alive but once I realized I’m without you I can’t help but only start falling apart..
Trying to summon the past so you can remember your love but only in vain because there is nothing of US that stood though the time and remained..
I keep on trying in sorrow and pain i keep on walking against all odds so you can love me again…..
But it was only me who was trying all along your love wasn’t dying… it was never there at all…

I am

I’m not blue any more.
I’m purple and grey.
I’m  the magic of time and the hidden power of the burning flame.
I’m the mystery deep within the thunderstorm.
I’m the power of the smallest gestures.
I’m the closest thought in your soul.

What hurts the most

What hurts the most is living with a lie, with a fake image created in your own mind, fed to your consciousness thousands of times to the point you believe it’s real. It has absolutely everything in it the absurdness of it’s making to the foolishness of belief it’s real. The terrible thought that knowing your own demons you become  your biggest enemy. The one who knows your biggest secrets and fears and has the reach of everything you are even the dustiest corners of your soul. That other you becomes the creator of  the twisted and wicked way of wrapping your own self in the warmness and the tenderness of something fictional that suits that broken you just perfect. The perfect illusion you need to comfort yourself and to make the matters worst you never forget that deep inside how awfully wrong it’s to believe it’s all true, but for the present moment it’s the perfect “bandage” for your wounds.

The only problem it that this “bandage” doesn’t help you heal it only makes your wounds deeper and bigger and it doesn’t let them close and even if it does the scars it leaves are there to remain…..