Hide and seek

Baby…. hey baby where are you,

where are you…. come out, come out wherever you are …….

Because I’m in this stage where this is no longer a game but something vital for the sake of my sanity and my for the thought that I can’t keep up with something feeling so fake

But something inside of me knows that from now on,since you are in hiding again things will  start to disappear and soon all the real once will be changed and all of this will remain just a little silly game…

But the thing is,

it does feel quite right to know I don’t need to put up a fight, that there is no tug-of-war.

You simply hid somewhere beyond the reach of my eyes and my hands,

it happened so quickly I completely lost your tracks in this hide and seek game.

And that seeking for you now is something I don’t want to do …. I lost my interest of finding all the small little things that lead to the path of your heart and by picking them up one by one to try finding my place in your mind, to win a bit of affection and a bit of love so that I feel that the feelings I have are mutual to reassure myself that the deceitful feeling that you are gone is a believe of my own.

   II.

Now everything is good, nothing is right and nothing is real, everything is made up and it helps me settle down the the hollow feeling I seem to feel.

Now I can’t find you baby it will be okay, it doesn’t matter where you hid, I refuse to spend my life searching for you once again.

Now everything is pure, there is no fear of finding you with others, there is no more hope of trying to make you seem me as I was the only one you you felt no need to find another.

Now everything is easy, now everything will heal and all the scars and all the memories, and all the misery and all the tears will be part of the past never to happen again. Now the ripped bit in my heart can be mend by someone with super glue who truly hates  this hide and seek me game …

I wonder

I am so lost in my own feelings and emotions and no matter what I do I can’t seem to understand why is it so hard for me to let go, to let go of the thought of him ….of us. I had been hurt, I had been bruised, I had endless nights crying and still I will die to have a glimpse of him like he never did anything wrong. I’m so hurt on the inside and still I feel like I am the guilty one, the one who broke something and deserved such punishment as this ….

I haven’t seen him or heard him for the past 576 days and still he is the first and the last though on my mind every single day.I can’t seem to understand why, why do I still love him and want him when clearly he wasn’t the one and deep down I know I need to move on with my life for good.

I went through tons of counseling, depression pills, self-help books, friends to support me and even someone new to comfort me but still I fell like I am missing a huge part of me, like I had lost it and I know I can’t function without it …. 

Why tho I can’t let go what keep me so enticed and I can’t seem to get rid of it, only if I knew the answer and I could get over this, the truth is that it’s eating me alive and it’s ruining my life but so far I haven’t found the cure ….

Lets talk about Fridays

Ok lets start as we supposed to from the begging and eventually I’ ll get to the most interesting part of today. So today was a pretty normal day, had a lovely time with the bears, had a laugh and luckily escaped the rain two times by getting in the bus just before it started raining. Discovered that I can go without coffee till almost midday ( I was up since 5.30am) and that taking an extra bottle of water is always a good idea.

As the night started folding I came home after work to find myself in bed under the covers watching Netxlif eating raw noodles with messy hair and long socks on. It wasn’t perfect of a Friday night until I got a hate-mail from both my current guy and my ex …. so I decided to stay in bed all evening sink into my 8 pillows of comfort and carry on believing if ” The undateables ” can find a date so can I …

Love Dezy xxx

It was never you

I can’t blame you for my love, the only one to blame will be myself my love.

For letting go of all my fears,

For setting fire to my heart ,

For foolishly believing in your tears and your promises made my night,

For numbing all the warning signs in my mind,

~ For letting you so close, for tricking my self you can be so loving and so kind, for making something in my mind that we were meant to be by some great design….

For dreaming all this was true and being blind too see how rotten with all was from the start…..

For getting up and trying “one more time” for thousand times ….

~To see, to find, to …feel your “love”- a fiction, a believe created from my self all the way back when I fool my self it was the great begging of our glorious story of love… but actually it was the greatest destruction of my whole self and mainly of my heart………

Trying

Trying to hold things together when they are not meant to be held,
Trying to control my emotions that cannot be controlled..
Trying to pick up the pieces for something falling apart..
Trying to lie to the time so i can get back to the start..
Trying to erase the marks left so deep on my skin..
Trying to remember the old so i can start over from where we used to begin..
Trying to make you feel the love and emotion, hoping you’ll see the same passion that once drove us forward..
Trying to keep myself aware of still been alive but once I realized I’m without you I can’t help but only start falling apart..
Trying to summon the past so you can remember your love but only in vain because there is nothing of US that stood though the time and remained..
I keep on trying in sorrow and pain i keep on walking against all odds so you can love me again…..
But it was only me who was trying all along your love wasn’t dying… it was never there at all…

I am

I’m not blue any more.
I’m purple and grey.
I’m  the magic of time and the hidden power of the burning flame.
I’m the mystery deep within the thunderstorm.
I’m the power of the smallest gestures.
I’m the closest thought in your soul.