This took a while

Yes Yes Yessss !!!

Time heals !    They kept on saying wherever I lost the battle in the war with my daemons. Sometimes this felt like a scoring game DAEMONS 3 : 0 Dessy, and like this phase ” It’s ok just bare with it time heals ” became the motto of my second best. I came to hate it as it meant nothing to me and it was like a reminder they are winning once again but it’s ok being a looser it ain’t that bad !!!! You know what now I know how right they were but it was the right amount of time i needed to met HIM

At times like these it feels like there is a master plan that everyone’s following in a perfect order and we just need to be ready to wait for it to unfold.I can’t exactly explain it , it’s one of those things you just embrace without questioning as you know they make perfect sense even though at first they make no sense at all. This is how I came across him………….. and the master plan unfolded. So I let my self drift away without putting too much though in what was going on around me…. this one night so unexpected I knew my life is about to change . I didn’t know how I had no idea but I could feel it. I bet everyone had had this one moment in time you realise that something is about to change, something that has been static for so long, something seeming so elusive and distant and like in this split second you can almost hold every piece of you ,  every piece you lost in life sticks together again …  . This is when I met him I felt whole I felt complete. The first though in my head was …. NOW  IT ALL MAKE SENSE.

All of the mishaps all of those never came to be moments , all of the why me and whens  made perfect sense it wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t the right person, it wasn’t what was put in the master plan… it wasn’t  right

I wish I could lock myself in this moment of divinity where nothing matters, I know it’s selfish but God it felt so good. Like someone knew I need to learn my lesson I need time to think about it, to let my wounds heal my faith to be  restored, my hope to be revolved and my heart to empty for all the hatred that t had harvest over my hurt pride and for all my emotions to be regrown strong enough to bare all the new emotions I was about to gather.

So yes it wasn’t in vein after all all of those ‘TIME WILL HEAL’ actually made perfect sense now, now that time had healed me ……..

Hold me

Come please,….come and hold me I have been strong for too long.
Please come ….. I beg you my fingers are starting to loose grip and I’m surrounded by fear it’s been dark for so long.
Come please …I’m starting to gasp for air my lungs are full of pain, my heart has been torn of my chest and all the sorrow had still remained the same.
O please come…. and hold me I can’t pick all the pieces alone this time they had shattered beyond me and I can’t fix this on my own.
Come please. .. I’m so lost,  I lost my path and I’m so deep and I can’t  seem to find out  where and how did I get so lost and fear takes me over, I want to scream but no voice comes out.
Plese come please, …I need you to take me,  to hold me in your arms, so my head can rest upon your chest and listening to the beat of your heart I can find my way of this dark…

Good morning Saturday

Good morning  world !!

I woke up to 1° this morning .

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but I kept positive with a  strong coffee  (I do take my coffee to extreme… with a spoon in the cup or without)

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, a comedy show (you can’t go wrong with everyone loves Raymond ) and the good old  morning cycle to bring me back to life.

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I have a very important task today I need to map out my Christmas decorations so  I’m gonna spend  my  day gathering ideas for Christmas decorations (till 3pm as I’m working at the pub tonight) . And with all the ideas in my mind tomorrow I will be Christmas shopping and decorating “the hut” and ill take you with me  yayyy. I do love Christmas and no matter that I will be on my own this Christmas it will be as Christmasy as it could possibly  be. Yayyy
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For my baby ..

For my baby ..

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For my baby B..

It’s been a year the jacket is too small,
it’s been a year those shoes doesn’t fit her anymore.

Her golden curls are longer, her steps are bigger,
the hand that used to hold me can grip and write with ease without a fear,
her sentences are longer, she says the words correctly,
she’s braver and she’s stronger, she is no more tiny baby.

But all that I had longed for, had all remained the same,
the love she gives me by warping little hands around my neck,
the happy screaming noises, her laughter, the way she says my name,
the little faces that she makes when we explore the world around,
the way she keeps me smiling when my world goes down.

It’s been a year my baby is now bigger, soon she won’t be baby any more,
but in my heart I’ll keep her so even when she’s grown I can still cuddle her and kiss her… and back in time we both shall go,
to those moments when she was so very small and sat down with a book of photos her little days we’ll recall.

Smithereengs

Smithereens is all you left of me.

My heart was savaged, my soul was used, and all of this was done in my fail attempt to love something so wild, I was begging to be abused.

I wanted so desperately to  love someone who lost his heart so long ago, he had forgotten what it feels like to be love and to be love in return.

And when my love came when I was surrounded by you, It scared you, it hurt you cause it brought the memory of your lost heart and brought the fear that of her I used to remind you…..

You used to say “No, you don’t want to fall in-love !!! ” because only love can break you like nothing else and make you loose everything you will never want to, like a force that can only take and if you don’t give it what it wants you will be the one who will end up wanting to be recluse, never to be touched and you will end up always making an excuse.

And now I understand when all you left of me is smithereens …. nothing to give and I can’t expect nothing in return… I do yearn to be alone… without you nothing matters any more, never to love again I have sworn

Deal

Let’s make a deal

A deal to seal and keep right here tonight a deal just between you and me,

I’ll let you call me yours tonight, only for tonight you may own me,

I’ll be only yours but please do hold me tight,

Because this is like a dream I’m yours only yours but only now and here and only only for tonight.

I’ll tell you how much I love you and how that you own my heart I won’t be able to ever forget,

I’ll give you everything you want, I’ll cure all the scars she left behind,

I’ll heal your pain and make you feel like I’m the only one you need for forever, I’ll promise I will be only yours but just till the morning of tonight.

And what I want from you is for you to call me your one and only ,

To say you want me like there is no one else in the world this night,

I won’t ask for you to say you love me we both know this is such a lie it echoes it’s so empty,

You never learned how to love, it’s so easy for you to say it only as a word as you use it out of it’s purpose plenty of time.

Just make me  feel I have somewhere to belong under the stars tonight,

Than nothing matters in this moment lost in time, It’s only me and you and our deal to keep,

To keep it in the darkness of the night, to keep it all until the dawn arrives.

Because my dear our love was only a deal made to be kept for one night in the dark…

Hide and seek

Baby…. hey baby where are you,

where are you…. come out, come out wherever you are …….

Because I’m in this stage where this is no longer a game but something vital for the sake of my sanity and my for the thought that I can’t keep up with something feeling so fake

But something inside of me knows that from now on,since you are in hiding again things will  start to disappear and soon all the real once will be changed and all of this will remain just a little silly game…

But the thing is,

it does feel quite right to know I don’t need to put up a fight, that there is no tug-of-war.

You simply hid somewhere beyond the reach of my eyes and my hands,

it happened so quickly I completely lost your tracks in this hide and seek game.

And that seeking for you now is something I don’t want to do …. I lost my interest of finding all the small little things that lead to the path of your heart and by picking them up one by one to try finding my place in your mind, to win a bit of affection and a bit of love so that I feel that the feelings I have are mutual to reassure myself that the deceitful feeling that you are gone is a believe of my own.

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Now everything is good, nothing is right and nothing is real, everything is made up and it helps me settle down the the hollow feeling I seem to feel.

Now I can’t find you baby it will be okay, it doesn’t matter where you hid, I refuse to spend my life searching for you once again.

Now everything is pure, there is no fear of finding you with others, there is no more hope of trying to make you seem me as I was the only one you you felt no need to find another.

Now everything is easy, now everything will heal and all the scars and all the memories, and all the misery and all the tears will be part of the past never to happen again. Now the ripped bit in my heart can be mend by someone with super glue who truly hates  this hide and seek me game …