This is for the words I’ll never say

This is for the words I’ll never say but for the thoughts I’ll always have.

This is me the one and only, lost and unknowing, this is for all the words I’ll never say.I must be strong, I must maintain myself to survive it all and at the end holding in my hands a little piece of hell and heaven to rest my head with grace knowing that I lived the life I wanted.

This is for all the ” Wait ! ” I never spoken the once I held in and took so much from me regretting later that they remained unspoken.This is for all the ” Stay, please for a bit longer… ! ” I always wanted to say, for all the ” I need you ! ” that I was too proud to say out loud.

This is for me and for all the joy  I took in so selfishly and for all the sorrow that I shared.This is for all the love I had but I never gave , for all the memories I created and kept .This is me, a mess of many different people bound by many different things. This is all the personalities   I had and for all the plays I took part in.

This is for the moments that I’ll always remember and for all the times that I remained saint and strong. This is for all the people who passed through me leaving their mark. This is for all the scars I’ll never show, for all the messages I spend  hours writhing and without sending  I deleted.

This is for all the love I had received, for all the wonderful memories I had.

And the best of it all is that this is for all the future, because I’ll only twenty.

Because it’s incomplete and I have so many more pages to fill

Dezy xx

 

 

He said

Fire

I want to burn like fire, to change my color, to be desired. I want to be the one who takes. Who makes the rules and sets the game. The one who’s powers any human fears. The one who many want to have in their affairs. To be a force greater than any other, but one who not many can discover.I want to start as spark and spread into a blazing force,  and as I grow I take down with me all the burdens of the time and burn them down and let their ashes fly around. I want to have no shadow, to be a  soulless cause of fear and desire,of magic and destruction, the cause of madness and corruption. A many faced goddess with no mercy of it’s peoples souls. The one who gives the life it’s meaning and it’s purpose of  be worth living for … I want to be like fire, something every human will desire. The one who will inspire and will be many times in many lives required… I want to be like fire……

Letting go

We humans suffer the fear of letting go and only a small part of us do find the way to deal with it but non of us are born prone to the fear for letting go.

It’s quite funny, we are born without anything, but in our life time we develop this sense of belonging , owning and having. And this brings us no good simple because with the feelings of owning and having comes along the fear of letting go. It gets even worst when you get too attached to the things you have or the people you learn to love. At fist we are afraid to let go of the small things in life like our comfort toys and our mother’s hand  and as years pass by things we are afraid to let go  of get bigger and bigger.As we grow up and learn the value of things it becomes harder. The hardest bit is when it comes to letting go of someone that meant a hell of a lot to you and maybe  you  even loved or still do. The dummy  in our toddler years seems like a piece of cake compared to the lost of our first friendship and even something much smaller when it comes to our first love.We learn that it will get only harder from this point. It’s no longer only material things,  it’s much more painful and heartbreaking when it comes to letting go of  people. The objects lose their value in second when you realize that you will give everything you own to have your special person back.

No one can teach us how to learn to let go. Everyone learns the hard way how to comfort his daemons so they don’t haunt him.Or in other words there is no easy way to let go of something or someone regardless of  matter, size, shape and meaning.It’s one of hardest things we lean in life to let go . Some people can never learn to let go, some are too hurt to do so, some leave such a big part of them in the person they lose that they never manage to recover nor to let go.

Letting go is a delicate subject to me, since I love everything and everyone.That’s why I found my path in dealing with letting go. I take is as a remembrance and appreciation of the past. This is my way of dealing with letting go. I know it will be impossible for me to let go so I make it easy on my self by thinking of it as a story I can tell of something I can never have back. Something that is gone, it’s no longer in my reach, but it will stay forever in my heart. This is how i don’t fight my daemons I live happily with them.I keep my most treasured belongings in my heart, locked underneath my ribs, safe and close. I knew I had to let go of the people but I kept everything they meant to me still somewhere very near me. And this is my way :  I give the material world what it wants to take away from me, but keep  what is by right mine to myself.

The ugly truth

It doesn’t really  matter what you see,  when you loose sight of what you trully want !!!