It was never you

I can’t blame you for my love, the only one to blame will be myself my love.

For letting go of all my fears,

For setting fire to my heart ,

For foolishly believing in your tears and your promises made my night,

For numbing all the warning signs in my mind,

~ For letting you so close, for tricking my self you can be so loving and so kind, for making something in my mind that we were meant to be by some great design….

For dreaming all this was true and being blind too see how rotten with all was from the start…..

For getting up and trying “one more time” for thousand times ….

~To see, to find, to …feel your “love”- a fiction, a believe created from my self all the way back when I fool my self it was the great begging of our glorious story of love… but actually it was the greatest destruction of my whole self and mainly of my heart………

Trying

Trying to hold things together when they are not meant to be held,
Trying to control my emotions that cannot be controlled..
Trying to pick up the pieces for something falling apart..
Trying to lie to the time so i can get back to the start..
Trying to erase the marks left so deep on my skin..
Trying to remember the old so i can start over from where we used to begin..
Trying to make you feel the love and emotion, hoping you’ll see the same passion that once drove us forward..
Trying to keep myself aware of still been alive but once I realized I’m without you I can’t help but only start falling apart..
Trying to summon the past so you can remember your love but only in vain because there is nothing of US that stood though the time and remained..
I keep on trying in sorrow and pain i keep on walking against all odds so you can love me again…..
But it was only me who was trying all along your love wasn’t dying… it was never there at all…

Healing

Since I’m going through a really tough period in my life I decide to document it here and share it with all them lost souls like mine because despite it all I believe anyone can heal if they are determined enough. I believe there is a way to make it and to build yourself through it all.  And in all your pain and it all your sorrow you can find the core of your happiness. I can build it even so strong that no one can shake it or brake it. I know it’s really hard because we are just people and pretending and faking always has limits so be brave my little worrier, it will take time it will be hard but yo can make it and you will make it .

Battle day 1

Today is the lazy I feel dead day I haven’t been out of bed all day, my room is mess as my life so far.I’m hurting I’m crying, I’m missing my past and crying my eyes out. But I am limiting myself to one of those days only and tomorrow will be my new beginning. Today I feel like I lost it all and nothing is good enough and nothing is worth it. I am very sporty and happy but today box of chocolates and movies in bed plus my (not helping cold) . Not so brilliant sounding of a day but today’s it’s really important. Today I make the choice to fight it all not to wait for it to resolve it’s self and to suffer quietly while I wait…

So day 1 of my personal battle has begun !!!

Feeling kind of lost

I’m not in-love nor I’m feeling free of my emotions. I feel bound to thing I don’t own, I feel lost but I know exactly where I am. I am alone and I am surrounded by the people I love. It’s so hard lately like I have a dual identity and my other self is really uncomfortable with my normal me and there is something so wrong but it’s larking in my darkest corners like dust in the corners you can’t reach with anything, or like a distant painful memory you buried deep within. I  can’t understand my own self how is anyone supposed to help me if I don’t even know what is so wrong with me.

Some days I just don’t know where I belong and what am I supposed to do or be. I feel like I’ll never find my place and I feel lost and unwanted. I am proud and vain but at the same time I feel like hurting my own self just to feel alive again. I can’t seem to find hope in anything lately and nothing is good enough and nothing is right and nothing is important. I haven’t lost it all yet but I’m on my way to do so ….

 

This is for the words I’ll never say

This is for the words I’ll never say but for the thoughts I’ll always have.

This is me the one and only, lost and unknowing, this is for all the words I’ll never say.I must be strong, I must maintain myself to survive it all and at the end holding in my hands a little piece of hell and heaven to rest my head with grace knowing that I lived the life I wanted.

This is for all the ” Wait ! ” I never spoken the once I held in and took so much from me regretting later that they remained unspoken.This is for all the ” Stay, please for a bit longer… ! ” I always wanted to say, for all the ” I need you ! ” that I was too proud to say out loud.

This is for me and for all the joy  I took in so selfishly and for all the sorrow that I shared.This is for all the love I had but I never gave , for all the memories I created and kept .This is me, a mess of many different people bound by many different things. This is all the personalities   I had and for all the plays I took part in.

This is for the moments that I’ll always remember and for all the times that I remained saint and strong. This is for all the people who passed through me leaving their mark. This is for all the scars I’ll never show, for all the messages I spend  hours writhing and without sending  I deleted.

This is for all the love I had received, for all the wonderful memories I had.

And the best of it all is that this is for all the future, because I’ll only twenty.

Because it’s incomplete and I have so many more pages to fill

Dezy xx

 

 

The super glue people in my life

First thing first, I’m truly blessed to have my friends and family by me. Today’s blog is not a preach it’s an appreciation about my super glue people.The one that are there at the end of every love and the start of every happy moment. The one that are there when it happens that I lose myself and I feel like I  hit the bottom hard. The moment I feel so broke and lost, so desperate and lonely, so hurt and sad. I still feel alive, I keep on breathing because I know who is behind me, my super glue people.

These amazing people that I’m blessed to share my life with will appear on the second I lose it all, like they can feel me trough space. And not only feel me but help me pick my shattered self  and bring their special SUPER glue so we can put ME back together. And when they are around me  I feel strong enough to tell them I love them from the bottom of my heart for all that they have done. I love them because I  never need to begged for them to help me out they simply care enough to be next to me  without me asking. And this  is why I forbid myself to be depressed any more. I stop focusing on the wrong things and people, all the strange and unfair things that hurt and should mean nothing at all to me. I no longer ache I will love and appreciate what I have, I  will breath the future and I will exhale the past. I am hundred times stronger because they are here next to me!!

I will need to learn so much more  in my life, but this I know from now  that no matter what I will  face the nasty things in life right in the face and to tell them that I’m not afraid of them and if it gets worst I have back up them with SUPER glues ….